I struggled with suicidal depression for several years, and it culminated in serious contemplation of suicide for about 2 years. The only thing that kept me alive was the Lord’s encouragement of how much my wife and children were depending on me. Yours need you too.
I read lots of books, went to senior pastors, junior pastors, church ministry meetings, men’s leaders, dallas-theological-school-graduate-psychologist, deliverance ministries, friends, family, etc. I finally set my sights on Jesus, and believed, like the woman with the issue of blood, that “if I could touch the hem of His garment, that I would be made well”. I gave up on everyone and everything but Him. I just performed my basic family duties each day (work, husband, father, pay bills, maintenance, etc) as best I could. Darkness, depression, weightiness, and strong desire for relief from the inner-pain through suicide were my constant companions. When I could, I’d get alone and cry out to Jesus; screaming that He’s my God and that there’s no other. Like blind Bartimaeus, I’d yell, “Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me!”. Over and over. Day after day. Month after month.
Until one day:
It was after breakfast on Saturday morning. My family was clearing the table, doing chores, etc. I was still in my robe, and unshowered. I went into my son’s room to lay in the floor and cry, pray, and sleep. I was so depressed that I couldn’t get off the floor. All I could pray was to just say “Jesus, Jesus” over and over. It was my way of saying “I’ve got nothing left by you”. I drifted in and out of sleep, and was crying and slobbering on the floor. Then I heard Jesus say to my heart “stand up”. I stood up, but was so depressed that I couldn’t hold myself up, and so I stumbled to the wall. I leaned my head sideways on the wall, still mumbling “Jesus” as my prayer.
Then I “saw” something like a small, black octopus leave the back of my neck like a bird flying away. At that instant, I was completely and absolutely delivered of depression. I became totally alive, vibrant, awake, invigorated, hopeful, joyful…even happy.
I stepped out of the room and said to my wife, “it’s over”. She looked at me with her mouth hanging open and said “what’s over”. I said “it’s all over…the depression…Jesus has delivered me”. She says that it looked like I was sort-of glowing.
That was 1999, and I’ve never been back to that place for 1 second.
Go to doctor if you feel led. See a counselor if you feel led. Do whatever you feel led to do.
But by all means, fix your eyes upon Jesus.
Jesus is your deliverer . Turn into Him, press into Him, and lay hold of Him.
He will help you “stand up”!
Trevor Honeycutt 